This is Weird

Bored readers may recall that I rubbished the threat posed by The Man With Microwave Eyes.

Well obviously TMWME has started to exert his unsettling influence over my life in response.

Firstly, I was in a literature class, and a girl had an eppy fit. Now I dont mean she got a bit stressed out about the overarching themes of The Importance Of Being Earnest, she had an epileptic fit. To an inherently useless man such as myself who has no skills, be them First aid or jungle warfare, I was a bit taken aback.

Secondly, I saw England and they didn't smash up Amsterdam.

Thirdly, I went to febo and the Burgers were unlocked! The joys.

D) Despite the England fans good behaviour a few days later I was in a Dutch student bar and it turned into the bar room brawl from How I Won The West. Glasses everywhere, ashtrays in peoples faces and stools over peoples heads. It was truly mental. Afterwards it was like the dressing station at Roukes drift.


Then I went to see Phil Collins. Weeks don't get stranger than that.

England Schmingland

So I went to the game. I cant be bothered to talk about the meat of the game. That'll happen somewhere else I presume.

The England fans didn't seem too bad, but by that I mean they didn't set fire to Rembrandtplein or desecrate any churches.

Either side of the international-football-superduper-extravagnza-a-thon ive been on a drink hiatus thats lasted a colossal 'few' days. I shit you not readers. However, fear not, I'm not turning into a big gayer.I shall be returning to the drinking arena this evening with avengeance.

Libraries gave us power

The location of the Book I Need is apparently the 12th floor. No probs.
Wait for the lift, or to our cousins across the pond, the elevator.What places lift/elevators are. What is the expected protocol in a lift?. Look up? could do. Look down?. Turn to the feller next to you and say 'bit tight in here innit mate?'. Fuck knows.

12th floor. Entrance to the library on the 11th floor. Ok.

After much delay I find said reading material. Excellent work our kid, youre a legend.

'Sorry you cant borrow these books, theyre from the reading room'. Not the end of the world. Ill write my essay at the university. Piece of Piss. Ill be done in time for tea and scrumpets.

7th floor.Computer room. Access denied. Only Social Science students can access these computers. Didn't want to use their mickey mouse computers anyway.I'll nip down to the facultiet de letteren and hop on the P.Cs there. Easy.

8th floor.Facultiet de letteren, computer room. Access denied. Incomprehensible mix of computer speech. My good will is evaporating quicker than Dennis Rommedahl with amphetamines up his nostrils.

to the help desk.
They ring The Man, who sorts out computers. Not in.

Back to the library.Woman suggests I CAN get the books out for one day at a time. I will thank her but only after I find the correct order of Playing the are you what at fuck.

Nowt queer as folk

Well I got a bike.
It took some time but it all came to fruition eventually.
The friendly man who deals in bikes originally offered me a bike similar in stature to that ridden by Krusty.Needless to say I sent him away with instructions increase the size of his merchandise.

Other developments at OurKid Towers include a highly educational trip to the sex museum.
Now I like a phallic symbol as much as the next man, but I have my limits.Having said that what do you expect for three Euro? A Dutch man providing a voice over on the different types of penis? I know thats what i hoped for.

Operation Softly Softly

I wait.

Tick followed Tock followed Tick followed Tock.

A man walks past who looks like George Best. I'm tempted to shout 'where did it all go wrong George' but then I remember that Georgie is no longer with us.

I turn to the newspaper. Apparently, The Greeks have been poisoning British tourists. Or Carbon monoxide, it adds almost as an after thought. Never order the feta cheese salad with extra CO, I say.

A man walks past who looks like his wife ran off with the milkman and sold all his Led Zeppelin albums including the one signed 'Jimmy Flange' by a pissed up John Bonham.

Biscuits give you venereal disease.Thats what the Guardian says.

A woman walks past so uneasily i think she may be made of blancmange.

Time ebbs and flows.Some times I check my watch and 10 minutes has passed.Sometimes a few seconds. The gracht flows beneath me and people flow beside me.
I zone in and out.I think about things to buy from the shops.Cheese, Cake , Cheesecake, biscuits.Better not buy them actually.

George Best returns and walks towards me I now begin to suspect that he is a Mental.
I suspected correctly. He asks me why I'm sitting on his friend.Im sat on some sort of stone sculpture. I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.I see out of the corner of my eye that Mrs Blancmange is staggering towards me.I wonder if Ive always attracted mentals like this.

All of a sudden a man shuffles up and says 'fiets?'

To be continued