Justice

Britain has for many years prided itself on the state of its legal system.

Seen as upstanding, forward thinking yet with its basis in tradition.

Having put miscarriages of justice behind it, it was seen to be moving onwards particularly with its new media sensitive breed of judges.

Judge Peter Openshaw was questioning a witness about a Web forum used by the accused when he said," The trouble is I don't understand the language. I don't really understand what a Web site is."

The prosecutor Mark Ellison took time to explain to the judge the terms Web site and forum. After doing so the judge remarked, ""I haven't quite grasped the concepts."

Oh dear. 'I dont really understand what a website is' ?. Oh dear oh dear. Afterwards he asked how many horses were pulling their getaway carriage, before climbing into the belly of the big silver dragon to be 'magicked' to America. For Fuck's sake. Imagine if you were up before this bloke having stole/had stolen your Mp3 Player, or heaven forbid your blackberry, if youre such a wanker that you own one.

Judge Peter Openshaw: 'You stand accused of stealing this man's blackberries.'
Prosecutor: 'Its just a single Blackberry M'lud'.
JPO: ' Well that is a distinctly serious crime. Can we still hang people for stealing blackberries, under fruit Larcency act 1603?'
Prosecutor: ' No M'lud, and i must say a blackberry isn't a fruit.'
JPO: ' Yes it is you utter clod I had them yesterday, with my porridge. What about a good garotting, or trial by fire. We haven't had a trial by fire for ages.'
Prosecutor: 'No M'lud, its a device for accessing your emails when your on the train or in your car.'
JPO: ' EMAILS?, TRAINS? CARS? What sort of devilish utterances are these?'



I think we should get criminals to be judges. They always say always get a thief to catch a thief.
Also they'd set more reasonable sentences. When a bloke from Nottingham who earns 300 quid a week, gets caught flogging a nicked DVD player the judge might say, 'you are to be fined £225, I dont think £75 is an unreasonable amount to live on.' Whereas when Johnny 'Im a big twat corrupt cabinet minister who earns about £100,000 gets caught doing something fraudulent or having thirteen prostitutes feed him foie gras off a dwarfs head, the judge will fine him about £5000. Hardly comparable is it.

Beauty

We shall fight them in the hutches, we shall fight them on the cabbage patches

I saw a rabbit!

He, and his companion, or should I say, accomplice, were next to Olympiaplein.

After careful analysis I decided that they were terrorist rabbits. A bit like Tamil Tigers, but more like revolutionary rabbits. Not that I'm saying the Tamil Tigers are terrorists, that's not my business to say. Nor is it my business to suggest that these were legitimate revolutionary rabbits. As the saying goes, One man's terror-rabbit is another man's freedom tiger.

One had cunningly decided to cloak himself in stealth material. Not only did this mean that he was invisible to American and British radar but also meant that he didn't clash stylistically with his fellow rabbit.

I approached one cautiously. It said nothing. These rabbits have been trained for years in the art of remaining intact under pressure. I was about to offer one of them a cheese and strawberry toastie, but then i realised that they would die from myxomatoasties.

These are probably Syrian fighting rabbits, it occurred to me. Trained in the hot Syrian desert these rabbits possess serious fighting skills and can break your neck with a single rabbit-punch.

One nibbles at some grass and scratches his ear.

Better move away I decide.

What I like about living abroad: 2

Walking into sports shops and asking if they sell cricket bats.


'Excuse me Sir, Where is your range of Cricket bats?'

'Er sorry, I don't understand you'

'Cricket bats. Cricket. Wickets, stumps, Silly Mid off, Leg before wicket, dig it in short, holed out to deep backward square, sledging, tea with the vicar.'

'Er yess. Let me get the manager'.

Our Kid In istanbul

The week long sojourn in Torquay is over. We are back in the dam.

An interesting place I must say.

It must be said. Turkish Airlines rocketh thy socketh.
Meals and films. thats what its all about.

I was instructed to attempt to blag my way into business class. Now I wasnt given any instructions on how to undertake such a blagging. However I'm a man of resources so I composed a cunning plan. I put this plan into place whilst somewhere between Istanbul and Amsterdam.

I waited for a lull in proceedings. I squeezed past my fellow passengers. I walked up to the business class curtain, and looking furtively around, I walked through. So far so good.

I noticed many free seats in business class. This was an essential part of my plan.
I sidled up to the nearest air hostess.

'Merhaba' I said. Cos thats how international I am.
'Seeing as theres so many seats available, would it be possible to take a seat in business class?' I used my nicest voice.

'No'.

What I like about Living abroad: 1

'Hey look at that Dog driving that car!'

'Oh no, they drive on the right here'.

Awooga

Symposium
Oxford English Dictionary: A big load of shite that means something to someone, a someone who essentially doesn't matter.

A list of occurrences that have occurred through out the course of this occurency week.

I changed lager allegiance. Now this is big stuff.
I reinforced my only new years resolution by not buying a packet sandwich.
I thought about doing some work, but crucially, I didn't.

Planes,trains and automobiles

So I return.

My first piece of advice is don't break one of your wheels on your suitcase. It makes wheeling quite difficult. The elegant debonair waltz through the departure lounge loses something when you're dragging a black matalan suitcase along.

As I was walking with comparative ease through the security gate,there was an Asian man being throughly cross checked by a fat rozzer.

'So where you flying to?'
'Wheres your baggage?'
'Wheres your family?'
'Do you go there often?'
'Whats you're opinion of Hamas?'
'Do you prefer to play with a Sweeper or a flat back four?'
'Whats your favourite Beatles album?'
'Who was German chancellor in 1998?'
'I like cheese. Do you like cheese?'


All this whilst I waltzed in and was paid very little attention. I could've had two and a half tons of cemtex up my arse.

When i was seated aboard the plane, I was sat next the worst possible companion on a flight.
Johnny-know-it-all-done-it-all-anything-you-say-I've-got-a-massive-fucking-anecdote-about-it.

Him: 'So you live in Holland yeh?'
Me: 'ye..'
Him:'I used to live in Holland and Bogota. And in a cavern in the Mariana's trench'
Me: 'Really?'
Him:'Yeah It was around the time I was a Hussar in the Irish guards during the Napoleonic Wars...'

So much Bollocks. One person's mouth.